Hey, guess who's back, hehe. You really thought i had forgotten about this site and all of you? Not at all, in fact you have all lived in the back of my head from the moment i stopped using this website suddenly, i just didn't really know how to come back exactly and i just kept on pushing the date i would return away more and more, and i had no idea how to explain myself because i thought the people who follow me here wouldn't exactly forgive me easily. But now that i'm here writing this, you all deserve an explanation for me going away for so long without a warning, this is gonna get a bit emotional and cheesy and all that dumb shit, so please bare with me.
So, when i was still here last year i was in a bad place but not like that bad, i still felt happy being here and interacting with people and basically forming part of the community that was part of my childhood. But as time went on and the year flew away i started to feel worse, i was so pessimistic about everything i did, my hatred for myself grew even more (i already hate myself a lot so you can imagine how that felt), i was having bad thoughts (you know the ones) and was just moody over all. Not only that but i was busy with my last year of high school and completing all my work before i graduated as well as other personal stuff with family and such. During that time i just had no energy to do a lot of stuff i used to love, being here was sadly one of those things. I started using Twitter more and more as well because i'm basically becoming addicted to it, and because i had met so many awesome people that became friends with me (i don't know why since i'm a piece of shit lol) and i'm so grateful because of that, due to this i started being more and more on Twitter and interacting with my friends that i started forgetting to check in, yet at the same time i still had that guilt feeling for not doing so, hard to explain. Obviously not blaming my friends it's not their fault that i'm a lazy dumbass, i'm just saying that since most of my friends use Twitter and Discord of course i'm gonna be more active there, but this obviously doesn't mean i left just because of them, they didn't do anything at all to cause this.
During these times i basically just played videogames, tried to sketch shit and ate junk food to make the sadness go away, but while those still gave me joy, afterwards i would just feel empty and moody again, then i would go do those things again and the cycle would repeat over and over again.
But here are the main factors as to why i just didn't have the mood to go back to NG.
First one is that i was struggling with my identity, my purpose. I really thought my purpose was being an artist yet for many years i have not been happy drawing or doing anything related to art. I just couldn't see anything good in any of the works i had made, couldn't even call them drawings or art, nor could i call myself an artist at all. I hated everything i drew and didn't see anything positive in them, people would try to tell me i did really well but while i was thankful for their compliments i couldn't really understand what the appeal of my work was to them or anyone else. For years i just tried to make this work because i had no other """"talent"""" i was good at, i tried to be like all the other artists i admired and just be cool and chill and happy but i couldn't. I started to grow jealous of people i admired as well as ones close to me who were artists for being able to put out great artwork, as well as posting several of them in short times, having mastered many techniques and for knowing how to be, well, an artist. I tried to change and be more optimistic but i couldn't, you really can't fix a broken mirror when it's already turned into smithereens, it was basically worthless to try and love my work as well as myself. I had no skill, i didn't put out enough shit in time, i couldn't draw as well as the people i followed and i was just miserable. I didn't know who i was anymore and i was having an existential crisis and felt even emptier. I felt like i had no purpose. Now you could say i could have quitted many years ago but my thoughts were that i was already far into this bullshit and had invested so much time, money, sweat and tears into this, if i had given up it would all have been worthless and that's a pretty horrible feeling. I had planned out a whole future ahead of me where i would be a recognized and popular artist with amazing artist friends, lots of fans, and for once i would be happy with my artwork. I would have been skilled and heck, i would have become an animator and made that my whole career. I guess sometimes dreams don't come true and it takes more than just believing to accomplish your goals, not even with all the effort you put into something will you be able to achieve your dreams like all those positivity quotes and optimistic people say, i'm a realistic and pessimistic person so i should have known, but i'm still human and i couldn't overcome my small hope and faith in this dream i had. I was in a really bad place and trying to be an artist made my whole life so much worse than it already was, considering i might have undiagnosed depression (not confirming this but i do have most of the symptoms, just never got to ask a therapist or doctor about since i already bother my family enough), all i could do was vent online in Twitter posts and Discord, it was really pathetic and i just bothered people by doing so with my negative energy, and it didn't even help so much, just for a bit. I was stuck with this for so long yet last year and during these few months it just got extremely worse. Until i reached a breaking point. By that i mean i have decided to quit art after finish my 2 major art projects i'm working on, i'm extremely sorry to all the people who have followed me for my art which is literally everyone, i just can't do this anymore. I have no hope left for this career and i'm very aware that i will never be good at it, no matter how hard i try. I didn't want to disappoint you all, but for once in my life i need to take care of myself. Still it's not all that bad. I have been feeling way better ever since i decided on this, i have been so relieved and slightly more happy. Plus i won't stop drawing inmediately, i still have some ideas for future drawings and doodles that i want to make so you will still have me drawing for a while before i finish my projects and quit, i do want to make you all happy for the last time and go out with a few bangs.
Second reason is that well, i just didn't feel like i was part of this community. I felt like i didn't fit in and that i would never be an important part of NG history or anything at all. It's not just with this place since i always feel like i don't fit in anywhere. But this place is so important to me and i genuinely wanted to be someone here, but all the times i tried it just didn't really work, i felt like another water drop in the ocean that is Newgrounds. It sucks to feel like this obviously but then i realized that i'm not just gonna become someone popular or at least recognizable here if i just didn't do anything so i will put more effort into interacting with the community and creating content, i will start by obviously returning here and start doing more shit and maybe, just maybe, i could be someone, and i hope i do.
Well enough of that sad, moody, edgy shit, no one really cares about that in this site anyways since i know y'all well lmao, just know that i will return here and try to be more active. I will also post all the shit i have drawn during my time off here, starting tomorrow, so y'all can see what i have done as well as archive my stuff. I really hope you can all forgive me for leaving, i will also try to make it up to you all. I really love you all and i should have never left in the first place. If you somehow managed to read the whole edgy bible i wrote then thank you for doing so, i appreciate it a lot. Can't wait for what the future holds for me in this site.
Thank you all, i love you guys. Long live Newgrounds baby!!!!
